


Where Remus is Drunk, Sirius is Not, and Harleen and Lucille Stop Arguing and Start Snogging

by Alondere



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, An original story with my friend, And fiercely protective of Sirius, Drunk Confession, Drunk Kissing, F/F, Fluff, Getting Together, Harleen is anorexic, He’s also adorable when drunk, Lucille hates her and calls her out on it, M/M, One will be in another book of mine, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Remus is a needy two year old when drunk, Remus is adorable and sassy and everything, Remus loves chocolate and coffee, Sirius Black loves him so much, Sirius stays sober for Remus, TW MENTION OF EATING DISORDERS, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Until morning, You Have Been Warned, like a good friend, more on that later, this is fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:48:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25761613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alondere/pseuds/Alondere
Summary: See above
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 14





	Where Remus is Drunk, Sirius is Not, and Harleen and Lucille Stop Arguing and Start Snogging

**Author's Note:**

> All characters belong to JKR, except for Harleen and Lucille Annabelle. They’re mine.
> 
> NOTE: I did not white-wash the characters, I just didn’t see the point in describing James and Kingsley wasn’t mentioned, plus I think the Blacks are pale, so is Remus (bc of the werewolf thing and I believe he’s Irish or Scottish or both), and Lucille is my own character who was always pale as shit. I just don’t want anyone to think I’m trying to be offensive.
> 
> ANOTHER NOTE: There’s a paragraph that should be broken into three, but it won’t and I don’t know why. I realize the mistake, I just can’t fix it. I apologize.

Remus was drunk. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem for Sirius, because they usually got drunk in their dorm together. Well, Remus never really got the chance to get more than a little tipsy, while the other Marauders got drunk, as they needed someone to be able to convincingly act sober in front of a teacher, just in case. Sirius was gonna kill Harley and Lucille.

This was not normally or usually. It was a party for a nicely set up prank (James insisted). Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and even some Slytherins were invited. That meant that Sirius’ only cool cousin was invited, and so was her biggest, though not only, enemy, who happened to be a friend of Remus’.

Harleen Black walked up to Remus while Lucille was talking to him. Remus liked Harley just as much as Lucille, so he raised his hand in greeting as she walked up, looking gorgeous as her curly black hair flowed behind her and looked dramatic against her light ivory skin that was pale as Sirius’ and her grey eyes sparkling, and holding three large bottles.

“Okay, Remus, you provided muggle vodka, so, of course, we have to wipe out the entire supply!”

Lucille rolled her royal purple eyes as soon as Harley walked up. Lucille was just as good looking as Harleen, with her dyed purple hair (originally black) matching her dark purple eyes in a high ponytail and also sporting freckles and deathly pale skin (how anyone could make that look good, Remus didn’t know). “Trying to give us alcohol poisoning, Black?”

“Now, Basille, no need to do impressions of my mother. I even brought you a bottle! Remus told me he got it for you.”

“Like I’d take anything from you! How do I know you didn’t drug it or something??”

“Wow, you really need to relax. Take a bottle, look, closed and everything!”

“You could have spelled it shut.”

“Remy pie, check the bottle for me, before Basille tries to lock me up for attempted rape.”

Remus, startled, checked all three bottles with a quick spell. “Lucy, they’re all clean, so take a bottle before Harley forces it down your throat. She’s been known to do that.”

Lucille took the bottle and spelled off the cap, fiddling with her blue and bronze scarf, her plump pink lips pursed. Her long, manicured, nails tapped against the bottle. She took a swig with an impassive look on her face. So did Remus.

The cold drink burned it’s way down his throat, settling warmly in his stomach. It tasted a bit like rubbing alcohol, Remus didn’t really think to add something to it. He could hardly stand the actual taste, but he loved the warmth it brought.

“There’s a good witch- goddess hybrid. Tell me, how’s that going?”

Remus was gonna need a lot more than a swig to deal with this. He took another long pull from the bottle, ignoring the taste.

“About as good as your anorexia. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. Have you lost all the attention after your parents got used to your emo phase?”

Remus chugged four cups worth of the drink. His head started to feel fuzzy, like it was filled with clouds. He might have felt dizzy, but it didn’t seem to be dizziness as much as unreality and clouds.

Harleen’s face darkened and paled considerably. She drew herself up to her full height, 5’7’’ considerably taller than Lucille, who was barely 5’1’’, and pursed her own pale pink lips, thick as Sirius’. “Don’t talk like you know what you’re talking about when you don’t. This isn’t class, or some pop quiz, and one day you’ll have to pull your head out of your arse and face reality.”

Really, Remus should just take a shot with each insult. Or, if he wanted to go the way he was going now, as much as he could stand to chug of the burning drink.

“Doing impressions of *my* mother, are we? Yours can be a little better, though. Have you tried dy—”

Remus took a hearty swig from his already half empty bottle. He lowered his bottle. Being a werewolf increased his tolerance, but he thought he was was a little more than tipsy. He’d never gotten more than tipsy before, so he took another chug before speaking.

“Just kiss already!”

Both females look at Remus, as if they forgot he was there, which he, of course, noticed. He took another long pull from his bottle.

“See? You’re so faught up in each tother, you forgo about everysone elses in the roon! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!”

The two girls looked at each other and, upon seeing that the other was looking, snapped their heads away.

Remus was the only one chanting, but they could both hear it, loud and clear, so they heard him stop too. They looked at him and saw him take another swig. “Lupy, you’re obv- obsi- opeiousty conterned about Barley, as you should. Harpy, you know ebuff about Luty to now- wait hold up- knoow, dat she’s- she’s that thingy. Tanks a bot, you nade me dronk. I’m gonna dind Firi.”

The girls looked at each other, back at Remus, and both took long pulls from their own bottles. Remus, already wandering off and as foggy as his mind felt, and it felt like Silent Hill, heard Lucille say distinctly, “Sirius is gonna kill us, if we’re gonna snog, we’re doing it a safe distance away.”

Harley’s voice answered, “Yeah, I know a nice place in China.”

Lucille’s reply was lost on Remus. Something about preferring Japan.

Remus needed a hug. He wanted to hug Sirius until they were melded together and protect him from anything and anyone who wants to hurt him. He also wanted to see Jason Vorhees and explain why he shouldn’t kill him. Or Sirius. He wanted to kill Jason Vorhees for wanting to kill Sirius, no one should kill Sirius. (pretend the movie was made a few years earlier)

He spotted Sirius.

“Imperius!”

Sirius turned around at the shout that had obviously come from Remus to see said person stumbling up to him.

Sirius was sitting on a couch next to a giggling girl who was twirling her hair around her finger, so Remus fell into his lap. Remus immediately wrapped his arms around Sirius from his lap and up at him on his back. Sirius put down his drink and stared down at the childlike smile on his usually mature friend/crush’s face.

“Starry, I feel hike I’m asfleep.”

Remus dimly noted the flashes going off in his direction, each one followed by a click.

Sirius let out a bark like laugh and smiled down at Remus. “Are you drunk?”

“Nox, I can’t bet dunk.”

One eyebrow quirked up on Sirius’ face. “Really?”

“I dove you.”

Sirius choked on air. The giggly girl left when it became apparent Sirius’ attention was better occupied. Sirius got a water from a floating drink tray.

Remus took another drink. “I wuv you. Like a lot, like a lot a— HEY GAMES, TOU ROOK SEXIER VAN SIRIUS!”

Sirius choked on his water. Remus looked up at Sirius and back at James again slowly. “Never mind, false alarm, no one is a sexy as my Yuri!”

Sirius looked back down at the adoring expression on Remus’ face, his heartbeat speeding up.

“Your?”

“Yes, tou delong to me. Bo one else. Mine.” Remus’ arms tightened around Sirius’ waist above his head.

James was walking over, obviously a little concerned. This triggered Remus, to say the least.

“He’s gonna hurt you! No! You’re not allowed to hurt my leery!” Remus sat up and blocked Sirius from sight.

Sirius was startled at the outburst and looked up at Remus’ protective stance wearing a confused expression on his face.

“Pads, I think you should take Moony up to the dorm. And for Merlin’s sake, take that bottle away! That has to be at least ten pints!”

“No! Mine!” Remus made a noise at James somewhere between a growl and a hiss, still keeping Sirius out of sight.

Remus chugged the rest of the bottle, like a champ, and threw it to the side. It turned out that the drunker you got, the better Vodka tasted. “You font flare me, deanmon! Flight me if tou fink you’re grave enope! That’s tight, tou fucking bon’t!”

The flashes and clicks were still going off, though Remus was barely registering them.

“Moonpie?”

“Shhhhh,” Remus shushed Sirius, waving his hand around in circles with two fingers up, “I’m dedening your boner.”

Sirius jumped up. “Moony! Let’s go upstairs!”

Remus looked startled at being yelled at. Then his eyes filled with tears and he covered his face with his hands. “You onpy want ne door sezx!”

Sirius was getting more and more confused by the minute. How could Remus think that?

Then again, he was hammered out of his mind.

Sirius grabbed Remus’ shoulders. “Look at me.”

Remus shook his head, face still covered.

“Remus.”

Remus uncovered his face. There were tear tracks on his face as he looked at Sirius with bloodshot eyes.

“Would I be friends with you if I only wanted you for sex?”

“I dunno.”

Remus honestly didn’t know.

“Why are you friends with me? I mean—“

“No, the answer is no, I wouldn’t.”

“I can’t think.”

“I know, come upstairs, you’re going to sleep.” Sirius couldn’t believe he was the sober and mature one in all of this.

“What if they find you?”

Now Sirius was really confused. He blinked at Remus, who looked more than worried.

“Who’s going to find me?”

“People who want to hurt you.”

Oh.

“No ones going to hurt me.”

“Because I’m here?”

“Yes, now lets go upstairs, get you some water, and get you in bed.”

Sirius would be lucky if he could get Remus to drink some water without choking.

“With you?”

Sirius didn’t know how to approach this, seeing as Remus had just been crying about him only wanting him for sex, but he might cry if he thought he was rejected too.

“Why do you want me to go to bed with you?”

“I want to cuddle and hug you. I want you inside me,” Sirius spit out the water he just decided to take a drink of at that bold statement and decided he was done with water for the night, “so I can protect you from bad people.”

It was sweet. Remus really did care about Sirius. And he looked so cute and innocent with those wide eyes peering up from under that messy mop of tawny hair, freckles glowing on his white skin. Even his scars looked softened, complimenting his appearance rather than taking from it. Though Sirius didn’t really hate the scars anyway.

“Yes, I’ll cuddle with you.”

“Okay.”

Sirius led Remus to the stairs. Remus walked up on all fours, like the girl from The Grudge, except his feet were behind him.

Sirius turned around to see Remus, on all fours, getting to the top of the stairs.

“Why are you on your hands and knees?”

Remus blinked up at Sirius. “So I don’t fall.”

He said it as if it were obvious.

Sirius reached down and pulled Remus to his feet. Remus shrugged him off and said “I don’t need your help. I can take care of me, I have been taking care of little Remus for the past ten years, thank you. You’re not going to abandon me because I’m wolfy, are you??” Sirius sighed and rubbed his temples. He should really appreciate Remus more if James, Peter, and he get this bad. He didn’t know if he had the patience for this. “No, I’m not going to abandon you. I’m gonna help you.” With that, Sirius pulled Remus up. Remus stumbled forward and fell into Sirius, still holding up his own weight, but also putting it on Sirius. “You smell nice. Like Siriusness.”

Maybe it wasn’t too bad. Remus’ nose tickled.

Remus continued to sniff at Sirius while the walked as Sirius led him to their room. When they got into the room, Remus looked up from his sniffing and stared blankly at the five beds.

Sirius watched bemusedly as Remus walked up to James’ bed and sniffed the pillow, then Peter’s, then his own, then Kingsley’s, and finally Sirius’ own. He collapsed on Sirius’ and curled into a ball, staring at Sirius with undisguised adoration and love in wide and round amber eyes. Sirius felt his stomach do several backflips and his heart was in his mouth.

“Remus?”

“Yes, my lovely and bright little star?”

Sirius suppressed a snort. Remus was going to get Hell tomorrow.

“Why are you on my bed? And why’d you sniff all the other beds before dropping on mine?”

“I like this one. It smells the best and it’s the most comfortable. It’s mine now.”

“Where will I sleep?”

Sirius was nervous. If Remus woke up the next day not remembering a thing, it might be very, very bad.

“You’ll cuddle with me.”

Sirius stepped over to his bed with a dry mouth.

“Are you sure?”

Remus scooted over. “Can I get coffee?”

Sirius assumed that was a yes.

Sirius slipped into bed. “You want coffee?”

“Yes, I want coffee. I want so much coffee that I’ll explode. Coffee is nice.”

“Tomorrow.”

Remus drunk and on the liquid crack called coffee was not something Sirius wanted to deal with, no matter how cute Remus looked while drunk.

“Coffee.”

“Shh, it’s time to sleep.”

Sirius waved his wand so the lights in the dorm turned off. He could hear Remus muttering “coffee, coffee, coffee” like a prayer.

Remus looked at Sirius, though it was too dark for him to see. “Can you tuck me in and cuddle with me?”

Sirius hoped to Merlin, Godric, Salazar, Helga, and Rowena that Remus would remember this tomorrow, and he would remember asking for it. He wanted to heed Remus’ request, though. He wanted to take care of him.

Sirius sat up a little and planted a kiss on Remus’ forehead. Remus giggled a little and smiled up at him. Sirius pulled the blanket up to his chin and laid back down.

He opened his arms and Remus tucked himself into the space, his face buried in the crook of Sirius’ shoulder and neck, right above his pulse point. Sirius was sure Remus could feel his heartbeat rabbiting just underneath his mouth.

“I like your heartbeat.”

Sirius looked down at Remus. “Really? Why?”

It was a strange statement to make.

“It reminds me you’re alive, that this is real.”

“What’s real?”

“Everything. It’s the realest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Sirius didn’t have a reply to that statement. Remus was looking at him, eyes still wide and cheeks flushed with alcohol.

Godric, he just looked so fucking alluring in the most innocent way possible. Sirius wanted to debauch him over and over again until they both passed out.

Remus was leaning in. So was Sirius. They got closer and closer until Remus kissed Sirius a little to the right of his target. Remus giggled again.

Sirius brought his hand up to Remus’ jaw and held him there. Remus was staring at him with those innocently wide, amber, eyes. Sirius had to smile at that, because Remus was no where near innocent, he was the most devious of all the Marauders, and he was just as much of a little shit as the rest, he just didn’t get caught, and if he had to draw attention to himself, he blamed Sirius or James. Innocent indeed. If tonight went well, Sirius may be able to make sure Remus didn’t think to blame him ever again. At least not without punishment. Sirius would like that. Sirius would like that a lot.

Sirius leaned in and pressed a kiss to Remus’ lips. Remus kissed back and finally closed his eyes.

Sirius tentatively slid his tongue across Remus’ bottom lip, and Remus opened his mouth, letting him in.

Remus tasted like alcohol and chocolate and coffee, with a hint of earl grey tea. Sirius let his tongue slide over his teeth, over his tongue, which was trying to wrestle his own, and everywhere he could get it.

Sirius broke the kiss and looked down at Remus, whose lips were a little puffed, but he overall looked the same. Remus spoke first.

“I don’t wanna forget this.”

Remus looked like he might cry again. Sirius pulled him closer and rested his head on Remus’.

“It’s okay, Moonbeam, I won’t let you forget.”

Remus cuddled closer and snuggled into Sirius. “Promise?”

“I promise.”

And Remus fell asleep in Sirius’ arms.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Remus had a splitting headache. He kept his eyes closed, trying to remember what he dreamt about. Sirius. Sirius’ mouth.

There was someone in bed with Remus. He was laying half on top of them and they had their arms wrapped around him.

Remus smelled dog and leather.

He shot up and immediately regretted it. A sledgehammer pounded away that the inside of his skull, to the rhythm of his pulse. He groaned.

Sirius sat up and pulled Remus back down with him, triggering another sledgehammer and heavy nausea.

“What do you remember?”

Sirius’ voice was rough with sleep, setting Remus’ heartbeat off the charts.

“Everything.”

“Everything?”

“Uugghhh.”

Sirius chuckled to himself.

Remus shot off the bed to the bathroom at the small rocking movement. He threw up right when he got to the toilet, spilling some on the seat too.

Sirius stood in the door of the bathroom.

Remus looked over at him, and threw up some more.

.

.

.

“Well that’s insulting.”

“Shut up, you already know what I think of you.”

There was a moment of silence. “Did you mean it?”

“You know I did.”

“But like really, did you mean it. You said you love me, but is it just a passing fancy?”

“It’s okay, you can ignore it, I’m used to it enough by now that it won’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you.”

“It doesn’t bother me.”

“Okay, then that’s settled.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Why not??”

“Because I love you too, but are you okay with that?”

Remus gapped at Sirius. His mouth opened and closed a couple times, and then he threw up again.

“So is that a yes, a no, an I’ll think about it..?”

“Depends on what it makes us.”

“Boyfriends, partners in crime, man and man, ‘til death do us part, and then the afterlife. Expect punishment if you turn McGonagall’s hair pink and blame me ever again.”

Remus stared at Sirius for a moment, meeting his eyes and seeing he was not joking.

“Then yes, I’m fine with it, however we need to discuss the punishment part.”

And Remus threw up again.

“Great, are you up to commit two murders, then?”

“Who is it?”

“My dear cousin and her newly acquired girlfriend.”

“I’ll miss them.”

“I know you will.”

“Isn’t what they did good, though?”

“Remus, you ran around acting like you were two last night, and you tried to fight James, and James got Evans to take pictures in a temporary truce to double up on you for blackmail material. Evans can make you do whatever she wants. *James* can make you do whatever he wants.”

It took Remus a second, but, finally, he sat up.

“I won’t miss them that much.”

Remus jumped off the ground and started running to Ravenclaw Tower, where he knew they would be hiding.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on my own drunk experience, bc I’m a lot like Remus, so I feel we’d be similar drunks. Yes, I did speak incoherently and then normally, that was not a mistake. I also wanted to make Remus say Flason Goordees, bc I remember shouting for him not to get me and mispronouncing it every time. Also Greddy Cougar. That was a fun night.


End file.
